The Burden of Happiness

I believe I have learned more about myself in the last couple of years than I have learned during the rest of my adult life. Admittedly, now I’m in my (gulp) late 30s my self-awareness has significantly improved compared to when I was at university and in my early/mid 20s, but I do think that time itself is a contributing factor. You can’t possibly know what you want before you’ve had enough life experiences to determine some of the things you DON’T want. You have to spend time learning from both your own mistakes and those of others, particularly if your Chosen Few are willing to spill their guts about their errors in judgement so you don’t have to battle the same set of problems. And you have to have spent some time “in your own head” as I call it; time devoted to introspection and self-analysis. Something I do a lot when I’m Up All Night, haha!

I had one such personal revelation last week. I was reading an article about the Myers Briggs personality type INFJ (Introvert, iNtuitive, Feeling, Judging), which is my mum’s Type. As an ENFJ, I possess three of the same traits, just with the difference of being an Extrovert.

My intuitive trait means that I am skilled at knowing how others are feeling. I am perceptive to individuals’ moods and I am able to walk into a room and immediately sense the atmosphere and energy. I don’t know how I do this; it’s certainly not based on just what I see or hear – it’s intangible, much more difficult to describe. I just feel it and I know it – and I can therefore respond to it. It’s why I enter a room or begin a conversation with a warm smile and genuine enthusiasm – I want to have a positive influence over the atmosphere from the beginning. NFJs are also know for their listening skills: both INFJs and ENFJs are often sought out by troubled friends because they are empathetic listeners who possess the fundamental and sincere goal of helping others.

I’ve known for a long time that I am a people-pleaser. I don’t like people to be angry with me or to cause any sort of tension or friction, so I typically walk away from conflict rather than engage. I like to keep the peace. But reading the quote below was eye-opening:

Sometimes you [INFJs] turn to people pleasing to protect yourself. You’re sensitive, so you can get really bothered by someone criticizing you or being disappointed in you. They can’t criticize you if you make them happy.

Light bulb went off. Arrow to the heart. Ground fell away beneath me. YES! This is me! It has been my lifelong goal to make people happy. My purpose has simply been to try to bring happiness into the lives of others – especially My Chosen Few, but not limited to them. I have always desired to be a ray of sunshine, but now I’ve realized that it was not just about wanting them to be happy,  it was also because of my deep fear of being criticized and my insecurity about not being good enough. If I make them happy, I must be good enough. I’ve always been outgoing and confident; I’ve never thought of myself as being insecure. But I do worry about how people perceive me and I really, really, really want to be liked – both as a person and as a leader. I know this is a major flaw, especially professionally, and I need to get over it.

However, this fixation with the happiness of others is not to be mocked. In a world of selfishness and greed, of ego and narcissism, of individualism and self-importance, many people could do with spending a little more time focused on serving, encouraging and uplifting others. But when this passion becomes an obsession, it also becomes a burden. I have spent months (probably years) buried under the weight of responsibility for the happiness of others and it is not a fun place to be.

I’m far too fortunate to claim that I’m unhappy, or that this burden is too much to bear. I am blessed with so much more than many – emotionally, physically, socially and financially. I have few “real” anxieties or problems. But I have realized that sometimes I can try so hard to make other people happy that I forget to make myself happy. What’s the cliche I used in the last post? “Life is not a dress rehearsal!” Hopefully I’ll live an active and rewarding life until I’m 90 and pass away peacefully of natural causes. But realistically, I must not play the role of a martyr or doormat. I am valuable and deserve as much happiness as others – and sometimes that means lowering my burden to the ground and putting my needs first.