Speak Up or Shut Up?

Do you ever have to just stop yourself from talking? Do you force yourself to bite your tongue as you overshare or speak your mind with a little too much candor? Or perhaps you struggle to speak up because you worry that you might hurt someone’s feelings? Or because you’re afraid you might be wrong or your opinion might not be valid?

Over the past few weeks I have teetered between these extremes, determined to speak up and share with honesty, but anxious because I was afraid that my decisions caused others to be disappointed, angry or unhappy. On some occasions I have shut down and shut up, retreating in fear of hurting someone, yet probably just causing myself more sleepless nights as my feelings continued to churn inside. Yet on other occasions I have felt the freedom to speak up and speak out, owning and defending my beliefs, choices and opinions. I can’t deny that it’s been a tough time – I’ve been involved in decisions that have caused me to lose friends and professional colleagues. I’ve received aggressive and hurtful emails and text messages. And  I have witnessed an enormous amount of hatred on social media: discontented individuals spewing vitriol simply because they have a platform to do so. I have been distressed to see people I had known and cared about for years vilifying others as they “spoke up” for what they believed in.

Americans are very familiar with The First Amendment to the Constitution, “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.” Free speech is a protected right of the American people; indeed it is one of the many freedoms that Americans celebrate, cherish, even revere. But freedom of speech is also a responsibility – we have to understand and respect when and how to speak up, and when and how we should not.

I am confident and outgoing – I’ve written in previous posts about my natural extroversion and my passion for building relationships. Even as a schoolgirl I wasn’t afraid of reading aloud in the classroom or voicing my ideas or opinions. As a seasoned manager and professional, I have no difficulty expressing myself in meetings, sharing my ideas and leading my team with vision and passion. But as a result of the negativity of the past weeks I have become more reserved and more fearful about speaking up – I am afraid that when I do so, my opinion will be judged and I may be excluded or rejected.

So I started to ponder the idea of Speaking Up. When should we speak up? How should we speak up? Why should we speak up? And when should we close our mouths, swallow our words and simply Shut Up?

Speak Up:

When someone has asked you for advice or for your opinion. Be grateful to be asked and be kind, sincere and thoughtful in your response.

When you know someone is hurting or in danger and needs your help. Sometimes someone can’t ask for your help – but you know they need it. Be their advocate and stand up for them when they can’t. But remember that not everyone is comfortable with others knowing their personal problems and struggles, so you may need to limit your help to “showing up” rather than “speaking up”: being sympathetic and compassionate and offering practical solutions like walking the dog, going food shopping or bringing a home cooked meal to the family.

When you’re engaged in a discussion where your professional knowledge or expertise can be useful. There are a lot of things I know nothing about, and there are a very few that I can help with. Got a family member with dementia? Need some ideas on managing a challenging employee? Want some tips to declutter your home and head? I can help!

When it’s required in order for you to move on. Sometimes you have to let go. Release so you can relax. Get the pain out of your head and out of your heart. Don’t dwell on it. Speak now.

Shut Up:

When you’re being coerced to engage in an inflammatory way. Trust me, if you’re already seething with anger, speaking up won’t help you feel better.

When you have NOT been asked for your opinion or advice. How many times have you been offered unsolicited advice and thanked the individual through gritted teeth whilst secretly wanting to punch them in the face?

When you risk hurting someone who doesn’t warrant it. It’s tempting to strike out verbally when you’re feeling frustrated or emotionally wounded. But taking out your pain on someone else risks alienating that individual when they could be part of your Chosen Few and personal support team.

When it’s none of your damn business. You can’t fix other people or force them to change. Their decisions are not your decisions. Their life is THEIR life. Let them live it.

I do not like conflict. At all. I have always been a peacemaker – wanting to live a calm and simple life without anger or frustration. But I have learned that I have to be careful about how much I tolerate, as this demonstrates to others how much I value myself – and if I put up with it now, I’ll have to keep putting up with it. So I will try to be brave and Speak Up when I need to – and Shut Up when I don’t.